Unsophisticated Sophistry

Something I heard about an acquaintance’s personal life (which is really none of my business and nor, therefore, yours), and the embarrassing radio performance of ANCYL spokesman Floyd Shivambu on the subject of Helen Zille being a political / literal prostitute, reminded me to comment on a speech that former Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs, Fatima Hajaig, gave a while back in Lenasia. (But look, forget Lenasia! Holy spiced balls you need to visit Bismillah in Laudium. Even though you have to sit on lawn chairs, they’ve got the yummiest curry for your money in Gauteng. Just don’t bring your daughter’s teddy bear named after the Prophet, or your T-shirt emblazoned with a certain holy book on quilted toilet paper. Or play-play plastic explosives strapped to your chest, a slingshot in your hand, and one of those Palestinian solidarity scarves tied round your head while chanting “throw the Jew down the well” in a pseudo-Persian accent. You know what I mean, right? No anti-Islamic sentiment. It will not be appreciated for its tongue-in-cheek comedic value.) 

Her speech may have contained the phrase “they control [America], no matter which government comes into power, whether Republican or Democratic, whether Barack Obama or George Bush… Their control of America, just like the control of most Western countries, is in the hands of Jewish money and if Jewish money controls their country then you cannot expect anything”. So the Jewish Board of Deputies practised its ancient martial art, Sosueme, and laid a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and she begrudgingly apologised – twice, because her first apology was a little too begrudging.

But let’s face it, twelve bankers do rule the world, and at least eight of them are Jewish (this is a joke). That’s why I like to have Jewish friends, because I am attracted to money, power and elitism (still joking). And I’ve discovered that when you know where to apply pressure – to their sense of contractual obligation (jokes!) – then they’re happy to buy you coffee with some of that precious, precious Jew Gold they keep around their necks (…South Park joke). I’d convert so that I could also be an Illuminatus, because that’s what I’ve always wanted and I think my IQ might be high enough to get in, except I’m just too attached to the tip of my todger (seriously, no joke). What’s my point? Anti-Semitism can be funny. Borat and jibes about Jewfros are utterly hilarious. Why can anti-Semitism be funny? Because everything is funny if it is allowed space in which to be funny, and I put it to you, sirs and madams, that this figurative space is created through security. I believe that Judaism has a secure place in the West, and that the thinking man could no more entertain a truly anti-Semitic viewpoint than lop off his own John Thomas, since it simply doesn’t cross his mind as a reasonable proposition. Why do I care? I care because it shows that the ex-deputy minister is a jerk, that if she had a real point to make she would speak diplomatically and not illogically, and that at the spring-chickenish age of 23 I could’ve done better at her job than she, in all respects, within three months of occupying her office… Hmm, that was a pretty bold statement. Oh well, it’s not as if there are consequences for the things we say.

P.S. This is a trap into which political bodies seem to fall too often: The Idiocy Trap. One person will make a false, offensive statement, then deny that it was what it objectively was (as if it’s unlikely for a public figure making a public statement to be recorded verbatim and published nationally), and refuse to apologise, after which the body closes ranks to protect itself from the fallout. This causes the entire organisation to come off as idiotic instead of merely the individual – but it works out fine because if the organisation acts idiotically, then the probability exists that it is full of idiots. QED.

P.P.S. In these situations, where there’s little crunchy feedback for mistakes, idiocy at high levels and the illusion of being able to hide one’s actions is possibly due to prestigious employment being a grant to the loyal rather than a duty entrusted to the competent. It might explain the laughable us-and-them consciousness that exists between, say, ANCYL and the media, which plays out like gorillas hurling exploding bananas over rooftops at each other (like in that old game where gorillas get to hurl exploding bananas over rooftops at each other) except where one gorilla has a million lives but only the other can aim.