Make Velociraptor Attacks a Thing of the Future

By now you’ll know everyone knows that at last someone has found the missing link. Finally. Well actually “Ida” was dug up by some amateurs in 1983 and was only more recently, when the University of Oslo bought it, discovered that this, “the eighth wonder of the world”, was in fact a 47 million-year-old primate. The wider scientific community is far more subdued about the “missing link claims”, whereas anyone related to the discovery is already starting to cash in that “missing link” merchandise cheque. There’s a book, a documentary and you bet your very last shekel that there will be a t-shirt and mug combo on its way to you for Christmas.

I say bah-humbug to these scientist types. They should stop postulating over whether Ida is our great great cousin or aunt and finally decide to clone the damn thing. That’s right; I am suggesting that we clone dinosaurs as of now. How much more public interest would there be in this “missing link” if, instead of looking at the withered remains of some monkey, we could be brought face to face with a bone-crunching, face-ripping, door-opening velociraptor.

We’ve all seen Jurassic Park and they had the right idea then, but “scientists” just pooh-poohed the idea as being within the realms of fiction and that it would be far too difficult to actually extract DNA from a fossil. This is of course a flagrant lie. The real reason we aren’t watching the life or death struggle between an allosauraus and triceratops is because no one has made it a real priority. People were too busy driving flash cars, drinking drinks with faux Italian names and borrowing money banks didn’t have, at sub-prime rates; essentially draining the world’s economy to the point where we all have to dig up bulbs in the garden and use teabags twice.

Whenever the world’s economy needed a kick-start in the past we’d have a war. 1914 – 18 was a really great war and the second one dragged us all out of the great depression. The reason for this is that governments finally had somewhere to spend all their money, giving jobs to millions and death to millions more. That’s what we really need now. But I suggest that it’s unlikely that any really powerful government will be kind enough to the economy to engage everyone else on the planet in some full-scale nuclear-recapitalization.

The solution, if you’re a big government: Spend all your money on bringing back the dinosaurs. The mind boggles at all the different possibilities that this decision would have. Think of all the jobs that would be created, not only in the scientific community, but across every job sector. Countries could compete to be the first to bring back T-Rex or stegosaurous, or whatever the other one is called.

And because it’s cloning and they were dead anyway, we could seriously think of enslaving them and creating an army of dinosaur-riding elite troupers. This could have much the same effect on our mutual enemies as Hannibal’s elephants did on the Romans when he crossed the Alps. But only this time they’d be dinosaurs and they’d have huge mortar launchers strapped right to their foreheads and they’d have a machine gun on each claw and also each claw would be covered in steel, Wolverine style, so they could cut through enemy barbed-wire (WWI style).

The world would be a better place if we brought the dinosaurs back, but I can already see the terrible downside to my idea. No sooner will the first diplodocus-skin handbag come out, when some nutcase from PETA firebombs the shop selling it. Next thing you know Chris Martin from Coldplay will have called in Leo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz to stop whatever “cruel and inhumane” thing it is we’re doing to some dilophosaurus that was dead to start with, by the way. And inevitably Bob Geldof and Bono will find some angle to allow them to bitch about Africa, like the fact that no one’s paying any attention to the starving children of Africa now that the dinosaurs are back in town. Solution Bob: starving children – hungry dinosaurs.